What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 08:25
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was 9 years of age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My life is so biszare .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
How did you as a human being change while growing up?
She was in good health!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do men cheat on their wives with someone extremely unattractive?
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Was to survive, this bastard.
What's the biggest myth about illegal immigrants?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was very sick at this time too.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I think the readers, may guess!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot live in the past .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!